Getting nervous

I have been really excited about going back to school, but this morning, faced with less than 10 days til “go-time” for my boys and me, I have started to feel anxious about the whole thing.  I know, realistically, that I will be fine.  My house will not ALWAYS look like utter disaster has struck, that my family will get fed, and I will find a way to get all my typical “mom duties” done, but today has left me feeling really anxious.  I am making lists of things that need to be done in order to get ready for school, both for the boys and for me, and I am trying to organize my time so that I can get these things accomplished. 

Somehow, stuff will get done and life with Mom back in school will be our new normal, but in the meantime, I will find scrubbing the bathroom and ironing therapeutic because that’s my current normal. 

So why did I decide to return to school…..

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom (or SAHM) for 10 years.  My oldest child turned 10 this year and it really hit me in a weird way.  I initially decided to stay home because it kind of made sense at the time—I wasn’t really going to be bringing home a lot of money after paying out the costs of daycare, commuting costs (I was a pharmacy technician trainer at the time and using my own vehicle for travel), food costs, dry-cleaning costs, etc.  My late husband was also someone who felt that his job came first and mine came second.  He wouldn’t have been available to do daycare pick-ups, etc., so it seemed like a good idea at the time. 

It wasn’t great.

We never had enough money and I felt kind of isolated.  I made it work the best I could. 

Then my late husband died.  And I had two kids, not just one.  Still I made it work.

In 2005, I met a wonderful new man and we were married in 2008.  I was still home.  It was what I knew.  I made it work, even though I had days where I loved it and some where I hated it.  My job credentials were out of date at this point, so I knew I was going to need to need to go back to school if I wanted to find a decent job.  In 2008, with my husband’s encouragement, I decided that medical assisting was a decent option.  After all, my previous job has been in health care, it was what I knew and I liked it….kind of.  I took a few classes at a local community college and medical assisting seemed like a good option, but I wasn’t ready to formally apply to the program. 

When I looked into applying to the program last fall, I missed a deadline to attend a meeting that was required prior to the application process.  I had already attended one of these meetings in 2008 to get more information and needed to go again, but I forgot I needed to do it again.  Because of this, I looked into another more condensed program at a local state college.  It was going to kill this summer for me, but I was prepared to do it.  It was going to start in April.  When I went to register in March, the earliest they were going to accept registrations, I found out that the program wasn’t going to run.  It was going to start in September.  At this point, I felt defeated.  I was mentally prepared and didn’t want to wait.  <insert a pouty face here> 

That’s when my bright idea to return to college for my bachelor’s degree was born.  Ultimately, I wanted my bachelor’s degree.  It annoys me that I never finished.  I’m not a complete idiot–I should have a degree.  My insecurities got the best of me and I felt inferior without it. 

I want my degree in communications. 

So began my quest to apply, gather transcripts, meet with admissions counselors, pay deposits, attend <gulp> transfer student orientation……

I’m ready. I’ve registered for four classes.  I have some textbooks, some notebooks, a cute messenger bag to carry these items and my laptop, I have a parking permit. 

There’s still some work on the home front to be done.  We need to get some stuff organized so that I don’t completely lose my mind.  I probably will anyway.  But in the meantime, there’s meal-planning to be done and systems to set into place, just like there would be if I were returning to the workforce.  After all, this is my job now.  I might not be getting paid, but eventually this will all pay off for my family!

I have no idea what I am doing!

So I’ve started a blog, as have millions of other people. I don’t expect to have millions of followers. Hell, right now I don’t really want any.   I decided to do this so I can journal the crazy adventure I’m beginning in 15 days–I’m going back to school full-time.  College.  Full-time.  With classmates who were BABIES when I graduated high school.  I must be nuts.  I REALLY must be nuts because I can’t wait.  Is it going to be easy?  Nope, I don’t think so.  But I’m excited.  I hope to post at least once a week, with more posts likely in the next few weeks while I can freshly recall WHY I decided to do this. 

Join me on my adventure……